In Rememberance

“The Lord is near to those who are broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Today I woke with a heavy heart as I realized immediately this is the day I was to give birth to my first child. 


What I would give to make this the day I see my child's face, swaddle him in a blanket, kiss him and hold him tight. To lose out on that chance is not something that has just magically gone away now that we are pregnant again. The emptiness is still there. I have two children, but our family will not get the joy of knowing what an amazing creature I know our little Peanut was. 


I was wondering the other day about the baby I carry now. Will he or she feel the missing part of him or her like we do? I can't imagine my life without my sister. She has been more than a sister. She's been a best friend. A confidant. A comforter. A strength. My whole body aches knowing the child I carry won't know his or her sibling. 


For our hearts that still break seven months after the worst day of our life, I don't know when this emptiness will go away, if ever. This hole in our family will always exist. While none of us got to meet our baby, me included, I knew that child. I knew that life inside me. I was connected and always will be. I am his mother and will be forever. 


I don't want to forget him as our lives continue to be blessed by the Lord. I cherish the 9 weeks and 3 days I had with him as much as I cherish the fourteen weeks and one day I've been given with the baby I carry now. BOTH are my children, only one is in Heaven. It is important for me to make sure that people know that I am a mother of two. 


Just because one of my babies didn't make it here to my arms today, doesn't mean he didn't live. It doesn't mean his life wasn't important or sent to us by God. His heart was strong and beating. The last time we saw him, he was as precious and perfect as any other child who is given the chance to make it into your arms. He was real. He was perfect. He was and always will be ours. 


One thing I know to always be true is that we can praise God for so many things. How can Steve and I not give glory to God when He pulled us out of a hurt bigger than we imagined was even possible? It was He who gave us strength to continue on. It was He who gave us hope. It was He who brought friends and family to their knees praying and to our sides holding us up along the way. We know this with every bit of who we are, and while hurting and grieving still, we praise our LORD for bringing us closer to Him and for keeping our hearts with Him. Otherwise, we would never have made it this far. 


We praise Him starting with the life He created  in January 2010. What a blessing, if only for a brief moment, it was to carry that baby with me every day.  After we learned that we lost our little Peanut, God carried us through. Prayers from friends and family, I am certain, reached God's ears and He comforted (and still is comforting) our hearts as we remember our angel or wonder what it would have been like to know him. He is there comforting us, guiding us, and strengthening us in our love every single day. Lightening our load and giving us hope. Thanks be to God for the love He gives to those of us who surely don't deserve it. We take comfort in Him and especially in knowing that our baby already knows what we long to see. The face of God.

“Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 18:10

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38


“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23


“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”Matthew 5:4


“And if children, then heirs–heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Romans 8:17-18


“Be careful for nothing, but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true,whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure,whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Phillipians 4:6-8