Butterfly Babies

Today, my sweet friend, Kendra posted this picture of her little girl Hallee at the butterfly conservatory celebrating what would have been Hallee's big sister, Aubrey's 7th birthday. How I miss that big grin of Aubrey Lynn's, and how I wish things were different for my friends.  Happy birthday in heaven, miss Aubrey. We love you, miss you, and will always remember you. Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Another reason I wanted to add this picture to our blog is because it isn't often we see three butterflies together like this... Looking at this also breaks my heart for three very specific reasons.

Our first baby, who we had nicknamed "Peanut" and whose heart was so beautifully beating at 6 weeks, and was gone three weeks later, will always be the baby who made me a mommy, even though you can't see this child standing beside us in family pictures. How Mommy loves you, Peanut, and misses you every day. You taught me so much about life in the 9 weeks and 3 days I carried you, precious baby. I love you. I love you. I love you so.

The two butterflies together, of course, symbolize our twins. We couldn't believe our fortune when we found out that not only were we expecting again, but that we had the same due date with this pregnancy that we did with Cohen! What were the odds!? It was so hot that July, and I was so sick, but I couldn't have cared in the least. Then came the heartbreaking news when we were told at 5 weeks there was no heartbeat. I just couldn't give up. I prayed my heart out and my (wonderful) doctor let me come back in every week for the next five weeks to check for a heartbeat. Though heartbreaking, I had to know for certain that I'd given my pregnancy every chance before I made any decisions.

Finally, on our sixth check, on September 5, 2012, we were scheduled in the hospital for a D&C if there was no heartbeat again. Unfortunately, there was nothing by the way of heart tones, but there was a surprise there for us that day. I was not carrying one baby, but two.

Immediately after, I was put under and the next thing I remember I was awake asking about Cohen. I think this was the hardest part for me because I never got to let it sink in...two babies. Twins. Our precious gifts were sharing the same amniotic sac, and as far as we can tell, while they were developed enough to see there were two babies, their hearts never got to start.

I wonder about our babies in heaven. I wonder if they see our hurt. If they know better and wish they could give me words to make me understand. If the comfort I feel by the Lord's hand is also them wrapping me in their love saying Momma, we're alright and we'll see you again. I wonder if they hear their Momma and Daddy and brother pray for our babies in heaven. That the Lord would give them a hug and kiss and tells them how much we love and miss them, in that exact wording, every single night before we lay Cohen in bed saying our family prayer. I wonder if they are with us, watching over us, knowing that we are happy, but never forgetting that this is a family of seven, not four. I wonder if they truly know how much their mommy misses, loves, and wishes she could hold them as tight as she holds their brother.

Until we meet again, sweet angel babies. Momma loves you, and misses you, and can't help but miss you a little bit more when I see pictures like this, though at the same time feeling comfort that you three are not alone. For now, you have each other, until Momma can hold you and kiss you in heaven and never ever let go.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ