THIS is the LIFE

I was told (twice) today that my positive posts about motherhood don't completely and accurately reflect upon my true experience. It makes other mothers think they are failing. It makes other mothers feel less-than-adequate.

At first this hurt me. I'd never ever want to make someone else feel like that. But then I thought about how much we've been through. How much we've lost, and how those women haven't lived this life (and by the same token, I have not lived theirs), so I suppose I'm left just a little confused.

Here's my reality.

Did I get peed on three times this weekend while potty training Cohen in public restrooms, one of which I was left mopping up the majority of his urine from the floor as quickly as possible while trying to keep him on the toilet with my 6 month pregnant belly and maligned hip bone I can't get to the chiropractor for four more days to fix all the while bending down sends Hudson into straight fight mode at my restricting his space?? Sure.

Did my toddler throw a fit about Lord knows what and lay himself in the floor of our half bath downstairs for a full ten minutes last week while screaming himself up one side and down the other until I had to walk away and let him work it out because I literally had no idea what to do for him? You know it.

Did my two-year-old pull a full-on Wizard of Oz "I'm melting! I'm melting" when I tried to put him in the grocery cart (again...plus big ole' pregnant belly) because he wanted to sit in the back of the cart, but that's where we had to put groceries all the while holding up the rest of the line trying to get their carts staring their death ray stares through the back of my head? Oh, of course.

But those are just moments. Loud moments, but moments nonetheless. Tiny little fractions of time between beautiful baby raising. Times I don't get with my other three  children. Time I would give anything to have with my angels in heaven, so...I close my eyes...I count to ten...I laugh through it...I deal and I move on because there is no way I'm going to miss the rest over these tiny moments that could be big moments if I let them...but I refuse.

What I chose to be the big moments here recently were things like...

*After the bathroom tantrum, Cohen said through sobbing tears, "Momma? Can we hug it out?"

*Asking Cohen to sort out some muslin blankets that are great for swaddling for Hudson and being so nervous to take anything that he claims as his and give it to the baby. His reaction? Going through his whole pile of blankets and walking the ones we decided we could let Hudson use to keep warm this winter into the nursery saying, "Here ya go little brother. Hudson loves these blankets."

*Laying in the hammock reading library books together after his nap

*Making loud "yells" at each other until we are both cracking up

*Having his little self grab my leg while I'm making dinner saying, "Cohen HUG Momma!

*Running to the garage door every night to let Daddy in the house

*Taking twice as long to get ready because while I"m straightening my hair and fixing my makeup, Cohen asks (while watching Mickey Mouse on our bed), "Momma, come snuggle up with Cohen under these blankets?" over and over and over again...how can I resist baby snuggles?

And pictures and memories like these:

Cohen has been finishing songs and parts of stories for a long time now, but this is a song we listen to on Pandora that I didn't realize he knew parts of until here recently. It had Steve and me cracking up as we worked in Hudson's room this past weekend!

 Cohen and Daddy working hard. Notice Cohen is wearing Steve's measuring tape. He goes around the house saying that Daddy did everything...he believes in his daddy like no one else. He is Daddy's biggest fan. I don't blame him. 

 Mommy and Cohen playing with Playdough. These are our "snake bracelets." 

 God has let me carry our little Hudson Xavier for 26 weeks now and I couldn't be happier even though I hurt and ache. I know more this time. I know what's on the other side of these aches and pains, and I'll take 'em any day to hold my little Huddy buddy at the end of it all :)

 Cohen asked if I could move the ultrasound pictures closer to him on the fridge so he could give little brother kisses. Here he is giving Hudson all of his magnetic letters.

 Cohen and Mommy had some fun at the library this week. It was also his first time out in the world without a diaper...Momma was (possibly overly) prepared with changes of clothes, clean big boy unders, and diapers. It felt like I had a newborn again!

 While I was making dinner the other night, Cohen took his screwdrivers and wood, piled them up together and came to me saying, "Momma! Made you flowers!" 

 Guess who kept his big boy unders DRY the whole time at the library? 

THIS GUY!

 Watching my boys reading together...that'll warm a momma's heart for sure. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I do feel frustrated. I get flustered. Things aren't going as planned for this planning momma. Sometimes this house is a complete disaster, there's pee on the floor of either dog or kid variety, dinner gets burnt, my husband comes home later from work than we expected and dinner then gets a little cold, the dog gets loose and runs next door at 10 o'clock at night, or my body is so sore I wonder how I'm going to keep pushing through until nap time, but I DON"T CARE.

Life is what I make it, and the little hiccups in life are not even close to worth fretting over or comparing myself to others wondering if their life is more glamourous. More  perfect. More put together.

I get now why, when I call my mom saying, "What do I do?" she says she can't remember us ever going through these things. All she remembers is the good times. At first I thought she'd lost it, but now I get it. Now, I don't give a crap about keeping up with the Jones'...I've got too many Marshalls to take care of...too many Marshall moments to savor...too many Marshall mishaps to look back on and laugh at later when this house isn't quite so chaotic. Isn't quite so fun. Isn't quite so NOW.

So, the next time you read my positive posts, know that I, too struggle along with every other mother, but I only choose to write positive things about my children because I can't bear to write anything negative about them, when there are three of my children missing from this house. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I choose to remember, like my beautiful (and apparently genius) mother, to remember the good.