What It Is To Me

Today hurts me like no other pain I have ever felt. A pain I didn't know existed until you. A pain they tell me time will erase, yet today marks four years, and it still twists up inside me a tree uprooted from its earth. Today, I miss you. I ache for you. My sweet Peanut.

It was four years ago today I lost you. The one who was so beautifully there three weeks before and who I lost unexpectedly. I only got 9 weeks and 3 days with your life drumming to the beat of my heart, my Peanut, and you made me Momma. You started a new chapter in my life, which I have loved so much. A chapter that I wish so badly could include you. 

Today, four years ago, they sent me home to lose you by myself with your daddy crying in the next room. Today they told me to take aspirin to ease the pain. Today, four years ago, I learned a new word as it applied branded on my heart: miscarriage. 

I miss you and I need you, but there is hope. 

There is a promise. 

For He knows...

That because you made me Momma, sweet Peanut, I got to have this moment with Cohen John:

And this moment with Hudson Xavier:

It all started with you, precious baby. I have to remember that. I have to find joy in this, too. This pain does have joy if you look hard enough. The best of all joys are two truths. First, I will hold you one day, and best of all, you know the face of God. What better gift could I ever give someone I love so much? 

I love you, Peanut. Momma will never ever forget you. Momma will never ever stop loving you. Until we meet again, my heart. 

3.17.10